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The Poop Story

It’s been almost 2 years since the unfortunate event. The smell will of course, be forever seared into my memory. I remember it like it was yesterday… it was around 7:30 in the morning, I just woke up and was asking the kids what they want to have for breakfast. My son’s friend was sleeping over so obviously the kids demanded home made pancakes, cereal will simply not do when we have guests over.

The kids were sharing a room at the time so the boys had slept in the kids’ room and my daughter spent the night in our bed. After breakfast I head over to the room where the boys had slept to make the beds and do a quick clean up of the bathroom (because boys). Nothing could have prepared me for the sight that greeted me. There was something brown and mushy smeared in different places in the bedroom. It was on the bed side, on the carpet near the window, on one of the table legs, and on a door frame. Was that shit? Surely not, it must be Nutella, or some kind of chocolate. I imagined the whole scenario in my mind as I nervously approached the brown mush to investigate. The boys must have naughtily woken up at night, sneaked into the kitchen and brought Nutella to the room. Of course, that must be it.

That was not it. The brown mush was poop, it was 100% poop, I confirmed with a good sniff and gag. To my horror, it didn’t end there, there was poop on the floor in the attached bathroom, on a drawer handle, on the toilet seat and on the wall. You guys, it was like someone took a shit, placed it in their hands and smothered it all over the bedroom and bathroom. There was poopoo everywhere. I was drowning in doodie. The dung was upon us.

Look, I drew you a picture, and I don't even know how to draw. Behold the level of my commitment to this story.

Both my son and his friend acted like they had no idea what happened. I chose to let them be and not embarrass them further, and yes that means until today I still have no idea who had a night time accident, shit themselves and walked in the dark to clean it up at night, leaving a path of destruction in their wake. Needless to say, I did what any self respecting mother would do. I filled a bucket with hot water, bleach and disinfectant. I think I used 5 different cleaning chemicals. I even called my mom all the way in Beirut to ask her advice. Can you imagine that call? I know we millennials call our moms for everything (mom how do you make pasta sauce, mom how do clean a stain off a shirt, mom how do I make an appointment). But can you imagine this phone call? Mom how do I get shit off of carpet, furniture, drawers, floors and walls? Oh and please send me the recipe for hommos. I can still hear her laughing at me. I scrubbed everything down, then prepared another bucket with soap and water. I spent a good 3 hours cleaning, washing, scrubbing, rinsing and repeating. My only regret is not taking photo evidence of the incident. But see, I drew a picture to make up for it.

Lesson for moms planning a sleepover for their kids: Talk to the kids about needing to use the bathroom at night. Tell both your child and his/her guest that they can wake you up if they need to and not to take matters into their own hands (literally).


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